When will the world end? How will we know it has begun? These are questions as old as time immortal.
But the answers, according to a recent discovery by Dr. Heeza Krak-Pott, points conclusively to December 21, 2012, when the Mayan long count calendar charts its last day. However, there's a twist to this awful and impending doomsday, says Krak-Pott, professor of ancient Mayan woodworking studies with the University of Feenix, online.
"The beginning of the end, my dear woodworkers, will happen betwixt the very joints of the chair you are sitting on to read this article. The end of the world will begin with the collapse of our beloved furniture!" Krak-Pott exclaims, hands shuddering and reaching for the heavens.
It seems the Mayans, unbeknownst to most (and possibly all) of us, were actually a society of highly trained furniture makers. According to Dr. Krak-Pott, their temples were surely filled with sounds of ancient hand planes, saws and mallets flattening, shaping and assembling the boards that would become our earliest forms of wooden furniture. While no evidence of these ancient workshops remain today--much less the fruits of their labors, lost to the ravages of time and wood-boring insects--the truth resides in the very environment in which the Mayans lived.
"They lived in the rainforest. The rainforest is full of trees, and that cannot be refuted. Their societies were highly organized and systematic. Therefore, they were woodworkers. There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind of this fact," Krak-Pott asserts, spittle flying.
"We'll never know how the ancients drove the mighty blades of their table saws, shapers and, no doubt, massive band saws. Water wheels? Possibly. Solar panels? It is plausible to me. Servants on treadmills, yes, yes. I can see that. But surely, and impossible as it seem, they must have had such machines. Their's was a culture of progress! Woodworking was, I am certain, the pinnacle of their hopes, dreams and ambitions."
Still, Krak-Pott says, you can almost hear the whine of those bygone machines when you stand amongst the ruins of their once formidable cities. He's certain of this...the sounds are not the mere drone of rainforest insects or the buzz of the cell phone in his pocket set to vibrate instead of ring.
But, still, the end times are coming. And it seems woodworking's cornerstones--dovetails, mortise-and-tenons, rabbets and dadoes--are the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Again, who knew? Evidently, the Mayans did, and now, Dr. Krak-Pott as well.
"How will this happen, you are certainly asking yourselves," Krak-Pott adds, with dramatic pause. "How, indeed."
According to this esteemed expert, when the Mayan calendar ends, furniture joinery will cease to hold. Krak-Pott asserts that wood fibers will lose their strength and give way to the forces of shear, tension and compression once and for all. The epic battle with physics will finally and irrevocably be lost. And that will be our sign...failing tables, broken chairs, drawers falling apart at the seams.
"Furthermore," Krak-Pott posits, "Your glues will be useless to resist the collapse. PVA, polyurethane, epoxy, whatever, all will release their chemical grip. There is no way to stop this adhesive catastrophe either!" Again, with the raised hands for emphasis, Krak-Pott drives this grisly truth home.
For a terrifying harbinger of what is to come, watch the video at left!
Oh, dear readers, brace yourselves for this fateful day to come. The longest night of all longest nights, this forthcoming December 21st. The last of our winter solstices ... the end of furniture and thus humanity as we know it. The inevitable is soon to be upon us, and the Mayans predicted it so long, long ago. Their table saws ceased to spin, and so will ours.
Krak-Pott suggests one way to brace for the end times to come. "Now, more than ever, fill your shops with the tools of your dreams. Black-and-green wondertools from Germany--buy them all, and care not for the expense. Lie-Nielsen planes...order one of each. You need the biggest table saw, the longest joiner, the mightiest of dust collections systems! Credit reports and monthly interest charges be damned. Follow your woodworking dreams to the fullest, just as the Mayans surely did. Now, more than ever, chase your woodworking dreams and become a professional!!!" Words of wisdom, surely.
Start placing those tool orders, as operators are standing by.