Q: Our Sinkhole Trailer Park Gun Club meets here tomorrow, but there's a problem. My husband, Earl, the fat tub of lard, sat on our table and broke the legs clean off. I was so mad, I didn't know whether to "break wind" or wind my watch. It was the only table in our double-wide, so we have to fix it. What should I do? Marion Haste

A: Eat out. I hear the local fine dining establishment is running a special on their "Catered Affair in a Bucket" this month, just the ticket for sophisticated suburban metrosexuals like yourselves. Luke Donyernose