Many woodshops have no plumbing to speak of. And for that reason, long hours in the shop can lead to embarrassing accidents, ruined clothing and unpleasantness that is frankly, off the scale.
Well, that situation is a thing of the past with Sphincto Shut from Electro-Sure, a spin-off product from NASA and the Mars Space Program. Four solid copper bio-probes, friction fit into specially made underwear (jockey, briefs or thongs) allow the Sphincto Shut to apply a special frequency electric current that will clamp all the sphincters in your pelvic area as tight as a drum. Not a drop or chunk will pass until the current it turned off. (NOTE: It is recommended that you prepare yourself in what the Owner’s Manual calls “the ready position” before switching the machine off.)
Available from Amazon, AARP and all the major airlines, Sphincto Shut can be purchased with twelve payments of $19.99 plus shipping and handling.
Legal disclaimer: Sphincto Shut should not be used near microwave ovens or while standing under high-power lines, as convulsive disgorgement of bodily wastes may occur. In some populations of elderly people, excessive use of Sphincto Shut may cause some eyeteeth to literally float away. Other possible side effects: voices may raise an octave or two while product is in use. Repetitive eye twitching and ecstatic utterances have been observed. In the dry winter heating seasons, electrostatic shock may be amplified to gigawatt levels by the wearing of Sphincto Shut — pet caution against accidental pet electrocution is advised. Wearing Sphincto Shut and a pacemaker at the same time is just asking for trouble.